


Can I Have Your Autograph?

by hitokiridarkempress



Category: Doctor Strange (2016), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Aliens Ship It, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Humor, M/M, Rhodey is So Done, Tony and Stephen are accidental intergalactic porn stars, do not copy to another site
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-22
Updated: 2019-03-22
Packaged: 2019-11-27 19:51:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18198587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hitokiridarkempress/pseuds/hitokiridarkempress
Summary: James Rhodes likes to think he's used to all this. People asking for Iron Man's autograph, fighting aliens, dealing with 2 nasty ass white boys who can't keep their hands off each other.Nothing has prepared him for this.Sequel to Researching Human Mating Rituals





	Can I Have Your Autograph?

**Author's Note:**

> Because why not? And I was thinking about expanding this anyway...
> 
> Intergalactic porn stars Tony and Stephen 2019!

James Rhodes has dealt with a lot of bullshit. From taking care of a self-sacrificing idiot genius, to help save the world from aliens from time to time, and dealing with two nasty-ass white boys who can’t keep their hands off each other. He’d like to think he’s used to it. However none of the bullshit he’s been dealing with has prepared him for this.

Seeing several spaceships parked in front of Stark Towers with a bunch of alien tourists holding posters, banners, and stacks of porn. And all of them are showing the very two nasty-ass white boys who are currently making his life miserable.

Fuck his life.

Oh sure Tony and Strange got kidnapped by aliens and were missing for months. But when they finally got back, he’d almost wished the aliens could come take them back. Apparently they got past the dumb pining stage and headed straight to the y’all need Jesus stage with the amount of sickening PDA they’ve been giving out.

_Jesus, this is your humble servant, lord._

At least Tony had the decency to soundproof the walls (after getting called out), and black out the windows (after getting caught), and filter out his phone and internet (after threatening him to set DUM-E on Strange, who knew the bot and his siblings hated his guts?) so he doesn’t have to see it. He feels bad for Wong though, poor bastard’s room is right under Strange’s. Wong’s been complaining that even though Strange may have put up a soundproof spell. It does not cancel the vibrations from the bed that is actually on top of where the ceiling light is.

Really did not need to know that.

Good old Thunderbolt took one look at the sea of gay pornography and had his come to Jesus moment. The slick son of a bitch just upped and retired leaving him to deal with this. And all the countries just said, “Not it.” when it came to perverted alien fans. Not even the promise of alien tech or riches from space would tempt them knowing where it’s been. Bunch of stuck-up prudes, and he’s been dealing with Tony back when he’s been hoeing around in MIT.

So now he’s stuck trying to calm the hoard of depraved fans both alien and human from staging a riot when they don’t see the Dick Supreme and the Iron Booty.

Yes, those are their porn star names. Some weird fan decided to call them that online after watching the videos (it’s all Thor’s fault, he sold those videos to a girl for a stack of limited edition poptarts) and it just took off from there. How it reached space, he has no clue. And poor Happy is getting his ass beat by these tiny fangirls for trying to get to some dude named Gary.

He’s pretty sure he saw some girls setting up booths to sell Ironstrange merch and one girl is just hustling calendars, already autographed photos of Strange, and yelling out for guided tours in the Sanctum where the Dick Supreme lives. As he recalled, its Wong’s little cousin. Goddamn, the family are a bunch of hustlers…

Detachment of the spiritual his ass.

And speaking of ass…here comes the biggest pain in his ass walking through the doors with arms spread open wide with Sir Mix-a-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” blasting out.

_Please grant me the strength to overcome this Jesus. I really do._

Tony’s signing photos, posters, taking a bunch of selfies, and blowing kisses to his congregation of sexual deviants. Pepper is so going to kill Tony for this. Strange is nowhere to be seen. One alien who speaks English yells out offers of sponsorship if Tony would try out their line of alien sex toys. Another yells out if Tony is amenable to give them a private show and tries to grab Tony’s ass. That had a portal opening up and Strange just popping out and snatching Tony out of the alien’s grabby tentacles.

Everything became a blur in a sea of flashing white and screams of glee deafening his ears.

_Lord Jesus! HELP ME JESUS!_

All he can remember is he’s now inside Stark Tower nursing a bottle of whiskey and holding an ice pack to his head vaguely hearing an argument. Until he hears this,

 “I did not become a master of the Mystic Arts and Sorcerer Supreme just to be named Dick Supreme throughout the multiverse! I do not want my legacy to be like this! I am putting a stop to this right now!”

“Would you rather have these aliens invade Earth instead?  If the fate of the Earth depends on me jumping on your dick like a pogo stick, then I’m a pogo stick jumping champion. Now quit your bitching, and let me ride your pogo stick. Have to give these aliens what they want. I’ve been planning to retire as Iron Man anyway. ”

_Thank you Jesus!_

_“_ Oh, Tony…”

“I’m going to expand SI into the adult entertainment business and set up a cultural exchange program with our new alien guests. Just think of all the new technological advancements! And all the fun new toys we could try…”

_Work with me Jesus!_

“…Tony…no…”

3 months later James finds himself staring at SI’s latest addition. A brand new building that’s part hotel, gift shop, entertainment center, research center, museum, food court, and… sex shop. A large sign hangs on the building reading, “Astonishing Scintillating Sensations”

_Goddamnit Tony…_

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Poor Rhodey...
> 
> Come holler at me on Tumblr. MetalandFood is the handle.
> 
> I think next piece I'll work on is Yandere!Stephen...


End file.
